Le Grand Voyage

life, it seems, is like a very long journey... one so long that many get lost in the sightseeing, sometimes forgetting their destination altogether. it may be "chinese" new year, but this movie about an unlikely father-son pair making a pilgrimage to Mecca couldn't have been shown at a better time.

the Haj is the fifth pillar of Islam, and thus all Muslims are compelled to make an arduous journey from wherever they may be, whatever they may be doing, all the way to Mecca, the holiest site in Islam, where the Sacred Mosque built by Abraham and Ismael stands. this snippet of information has much relevance to me, both as a catholic and a sociologist.

as a catholic, i learnt to respect this teaching of Islam. did Christ himself not take a journey into the desert? indeed, the pious routine of praying 5 times a day brings to mind the hours which our catholic priests do daily. for all the differences we see in each other, Christianity and Islam purportedly worship the same God of the Old Testament, and we are pretty much called to the same ideals of self-denial for the will of the Father. why bother about petty differences when there's so much to share? why stay absorbed with disagreements when our prayers are almost identical? i shall be praying more for the courageous Haji who risk life and limb all for the gruelling lesson of pilgrimage.

as a sociologist, i see once again, the delicate interplay of cultures as the father-son pair trudged through ten or so european, mediterranean and arab countries. the delightful intrigue of each new experience, the absorbing thrill of traveling through foreign land, the mystique of an enchanting encounter. these emotions kept me wondering: is there more to life than just the daily humdrum? how can a terse father-son relationship measure up in the face of unfamiliar challenges? i see that, any journey undertaken with companionship will ultimately result in closer bonding, no matter the differences.

and so i heighten my own resolve... to partake of my own voyage as well, my personal pilgrimage of life. lent is soon upon us, that yearly affair which invites us to recount the steps we've taken and the stops we've made.

is yours going to be a grand voyage too?

family

sometimes i'd wish i had an ideal family.

but somehow there's never gonna be a proper replacement for the current one i do have...

family will always continue to hurt me in ways family will never understand.

and for this family, i'm willing to bear the pain.

forever.

the lesson of the roach

why do you kill roaches? why, when u see one, u just erupt in disgust and wish all roaches were exterminated? what did the roach do? what is really so disgusting abt a roach? can they really be eliminated?

is this how you treat life?

today was a day of enlightenment for me. i've learnt much abt life... abt frustration and cynicism... abt action and reaction... abt faith, hope and love.

i must be gentle. i must be less caustic. i must have more faith in God's creation. i must adapt myself more to the ever-changing world. i must love... not like i want to, but like Christ did.

but when he said "greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." did he mean that we should all die for one another? perhaps all we need to do is carry our crosses, helping our friends along the way, for all our life? perhaps he meant that we are to put our gifts in service for all our friends? the idea... had always been to change oneself, not for the sake of change, but for the sake of others. if it takes one's entire life to change oneself for the sake of others, then that is what his or her life is for - self-renewal. the only time we may stop bettering ourselves is when we've becoming Christ-like in every way... and then we'd be in heaven.

is sociology getting to me in ways that have changed my behaviour? is deconstruction telling me that all social norms are there for the breaking? can i ignore the rules of behaviour simply because i claim to have deconstructed them? what about those who haven't deconstructed them? am i allowed to say that these are inferior beings who are under-enlightened? who am i to pass such judgment? why should deconstruction bring me such status? is there a better way to reach out to those whom i deem slaves to the establishment? will accusing them and wounding their pride do any more than spark new wars? would i then have the resources to fight at every new front i create? is it acceptable to throw order aside for the sake of clarity and understanding? whose order? whose clarity? whose understanding? am i learning for the betterment of society or so that i can curse it in more ways? am i learning how to understand human nature so that i can use that knowledge to help others or so that i can pervert it? what is the purpose of living?

the lesson of the roach tells me that 300 million years of evolution cannot guarantee a purpose for living. yet the feat of surviving requires stoic adaptation. since life is all i have... why not adapt?

the paranoia of the narrow viewpoint

no one likes to be squeezed... and the only thing worse than being squeezed is the strange feeling that you are being squeezed when all your senses tell you that you are not. insecurity and lack of control are two potent emotions with hardly any warning signs - until it is too late.

when one is incapable of seeing (or meta-seeing!) that one's view is reduced, paranoia sets in with relative ease. with paranoia, nothing seems what they are meant to be. everyone seems to be staring at you. the baby in a pram is judging you. the pillars are mocking you in unison. the tiles are passing beneath your feet disgusted. nobody is on your side; the world was created to torture you. suddenly, all is but loneliness, and everything is wrong. you either sink into panic, delusion, depression, or you become a fanatic for non-existent causes, maniacal. paranoia is the prelude to many clinical definitions of madness.

and paranoia may already have you. how would you know? when was the last time you took stock? perhaps the new bag you bought is a wrong colour. you're not standing straight enough. you feel the bus driver's glare when you tap your ezlink. there's always a cockroach hiding behind the cupboard door.

we have narrowed our senses. things no longer seem what they are not because we are trying to understand them at a deeper level, but because we don't understand what "a deeper level" means. we second guess ourselves at every opportunity, undermining our very concept of order, simply to escape the feeling that our senses are narrow. it is at once an impetus for proactivity while stifling rational progress.

so far so good... except... that i myself may be paranoid.

The Cold Blue Sky

The Cold Blue Sky
Gives way to the purple night
And I'm just sitting here
Wond'rin' if this love's just Obsession
Though I tried my soul's darndest
This heart of mine simply refuses
Oh I'm sinking even when she's near
This love is naught but Possession

The Cold Blue Sky
Gives way to the mornin' light
And my weary mind's still cravin'
For the chillin' depths of Obsession
Yeah I tried thru' the gruelling weeks before
Her scent lingers on and oh so much more
Dear Lord I'm so in need of Your savin'
From this sweet sweet sweet Possession

The Clear Blue Sky
Soon reveals the Sun's lonesome might
Yet even in that blinding glare
Her dazzling silhouette is still my Obsession
No no, I've given up my all to her
Just this moment now 'till forever and ever
I will be lovin' her even if in despair
Even if this were the Coldest Bluest Possession

The Cold Blue Sky
I resume my dark vigil again tonight...

the absolute of absolutes

there is something going on within me threatening to overtake my reality. something undescribable, so unidentifiable it lacks description. something that may have been born of my unreasonable desire to understand the world, a desire that ran amok even though it has no reason to fuel it. something born of a mind losing its will, losing its perception, losing the very idea of self.

is this insanity? of course, insanity is describable, whether objectively or subjectively, insanity is a description based upon intuitive proofs; manifestations which can be compared and tested for truth. what is growing within me is beyond proof or manifestation. i can't see it, i can't sense it, nor can i even guess at its existence. will it ever surface? it might just stay within, it might even stop tormenting me one day. all i know is that now, whatever that thing is, it is growing within me.

perhaps it is corruption? a kind of generic vice with no identifiers, the kind that people are tempted to call the "root of evil"? and yet it does not register as such. it may be viewed as a negative influence, granted that i am losing myself, but that negativity itself may be negated when you consider my self to be a meaningless existence. what is wrong with removing references to that which never truly existed? is such an exposition of truth unsavoury? then i must say that this feeling of bad taste is the source of evil... unless truth itself is corrupted.

but the "it" within goes further. without a clue, without a sensation, "it" maintains a hold on me, all the while without materialising into any culpable entity or even an emotion. it is almost ominous, yet it may very well just have been my imagination. that fleeting state of near-existence, the lack of certainty, "it" remains unknown and unknowable. that it always escapes any form of grasping, that it is purposeless, formless, conceptually undetected, this always tempts me to try harder to find it. even though i know that i may lose myself, or lose everything else.

what is "it"? yes... you might have been able to guess... one common name for such a frivolous non-item is Nothingness, the absolute of all absolutes. of any idea that can ever claim to be an idea, Nothingness is the most absolute. could you say that nothing is less than nothing? perhaps... if you understand what "nothing" means in the first place. for all the emptiness surrounding my knowledge of Nothingness, i can only tell one thing for certain: that Nothingness is growing within me.

perhaps... i am becoming Nothingness.

sloth

yes... i've been too lazy to finish up my assignments (the arts t-shirt design, the grand candle meeting email & ppt slides, mm poster, caw poster, caroling write-up, etc?) but well, i figured i could at least share this passage... very nice reflective new yearsy one from 4th Jan's liturgy.

1 John 3:11-21

This is the message
as you have heard it from the beginning:
that we are to love one another;
not to be like Cain, who belong to the Evil One
and cut his brother's throat;
cut his brother's throat simply for this reason,
that his own lie was evil and his brother lived a good life.
You must not be surprised, brothers, when the world hates you;
we have passed out of death and into life.
and of this we can be sure
because we love our brothers.
If you refuse to love, you must remain dead;
to hate your brother is to be a murderer,
and murderers, as you know, do not have eternal life in them.
This has taught us to love -
that he gave up his life of us:
and we, too, ought to give up our lives for our brothers.
If a man who was rich enough in this world's goods
saw that one of his brothers was in need,
but closed his heart to him,
how could the love of God be living in him?
My children,
our love is not to be just words or mere talk,
but something real and active;
only by this can we be certain
that we are children of the truth
and be able to quieten our conscience in his presence,
whatever accusations it may raise against us,
because God is greater than our conscience and he knows everything.
My dear people,
if we cannot be condemned by our own conscience,
we need not be afraid in God's presence.

(plagiarised from oxygen, so minor typos may abound... i believe they use New Jerusalem Bible.)

the attack of the five hour meetings

yesterday: 5 hour candle meeting

today: 5 hour mm meeting

tomorrow: 5 hour cgl meeting?

conclusion: i'm DEFINITELY holding on to too many posts in css. who will deliver me from burning out? will there be any empathisers? most likely not... so what i have to do is to keep praying. into your hands i commend my spirit... i am the handmaid of the lord, be it done unto me as you will... take my life and let it be...