unmotivatable

is this one of those "lows"? i don't know. all i know is, i've tried what i believe to be "summoning some strength" but it never does materialise. am i barely hanging on? when my mind goes kind of blank and i forget - really forget - just what i am doing or the reasons for doing so, a part of me begins to give up. i surrender (not exactly to god) and i must admit (not because i'm humble) that i've overestimated myself.

i simply don't have what it takes to juggle all i'm juggling. i'm not delicate enough for this balancing act. i'm not capable enough to organise all those clashing thoughts. i'm not even stable enough to deal with these issues as what they are - separate issues.

i have to give something up. before i bloody crash and burn.

tired

so tired of preaching.
i need to start practicing.
why are you holding me back?
that's what i really wanna do!
why do you warp my reality?
why fill it with wars?
i've had my fill; it's not what i wanna feel.
you've been defiled; and i'm concerned.
what are you concerned with?
my deep consternation -
with these condescending nations?
let them descend!
then send me to them!
when they've saved enough,
then it'd all depreciate.
let me save them - i was born for it.
let me appreciate it.
but you're a stubborn god, aren't you?
if society was god, you'd've stubbed your toe.
you'd've toed that line
between socialism and communism.
but you don't communicate with us -
you're just an export from the US.
quit practicing consumerism;
it's quietly consuming our preaching.

can you hear the spirit...

...calling come away?

if you hear about it,
and you think about it,
even talk about it,
what would you do?
what would you do about it?

if you read about it,
and you write about it,
even sing about it,
what would you do?
what would you do about it?

i've heard your calling -
a fire raging in my soul,
a slight tremble in my fingers
as the images fill my mind.

i've witnessed your glory -
the undeniable fruits of faith.
but my heart continues to doubt;
these thoughts escape my control.

when you see mountains of obstacles
take heed my friend, recall his words:
all you need to move them is a mustard seed of faith!

are you sinking in your sorrows?
are you worried about tomorrow?
are the pressures of this life too hard to bear?

try to cast your cares on him
he'll give you perfect peace within
can you hear the spirit calling come away...

capitalist greed... or feudalistic greed?

i have a new habit of making short posts.

would you prefer a world where materialism and petty capitalist feuds ruled the headlines... or a world where religious wars and ethnic conflicts are the norm? so long as selfish greed is endemic to the rich/powerful, capitalism would just be a less physically violent presentation of outright warfare.

obedience & tenacity

why stop at being a phag?
now i can be a phagot.

to be Obedient to God and the authorities He has placed in power over me.

to be Tenacious in accepting the trials He has entrusted me with.

Amen.