Sunday, July 30, 2006

broke up, but not broken up

all bets were off!

and indeed... after just a month, we realised how difficult it was for us to simply reconcile the differences. it didn't help that we rushed into the relationship so eagerly - like two people who have been single for years. but after an extremely honest 3h conversation, yvonne and i now believe we can love each other much better at a slight distance, where the hedgehod dilemma ceases to be so significant.

anyway, i feel really silly for screaming to everyone "I'M ATTACHED!!!" two weeks ago only to now start saying sheepishly "we broke up"... so i'm not gonna go tell everyone we broke up because it just sounds unnecessarily sad.

we moved on and our relationship has developed further now. the openness we experience now is what we've always treasured from before. being so close has only stifled this most important aspect of our relationship.

for those who have showered me your generous concern thus far, from the bottom of my heart i am grateful! your steady support has given me the courage to grow in this relationship with yvonne.

for the rest who are simply eager to know - yes, greg's single again.

Friday, July 28, 2006

another (old) theory

this is the theory: most people spend much of their personal life (i.e. alone time) dealing with one very general topic: managing their addictions and obsessions.

these may come under the larger schema of 'dealing with weaknesses' but then again, one could be said to be obsessed with that same 'dealing with weaknesses'. the management of these virulent attributes may range from attempting to stop biting nails, overcoming some phobia, improving grammar/vocab/inflection, disciplined time usage, or the proverbial "being more positive" about things.

perhaps they can be summed up as that perfectionist streak in most of us to brand certain less -than-savoury patterns of behaviour we have as 'bad habits', 'afflictions', or 'weaknesses' so there'd be an odd assurance that we can become 'better'. could all these bitter accusations and self-deprecation actually point to some deep-seated hope for improvement? or are these labels a remnant of oppressive activity once rendered by authoritative figures in our childhood? maybe they are just idle processes which keep our minds working and sane when we're alone!

but one thing is for certain, whatever the reason for one to obsess with addictions, they never seem to go away. one could substitute addiction A for addiction B, but inadvertently an addiction remains after an entire chain of substitutions. and that is if addiction A was truly substituted in the first place, lest it resurfaces! yet substitution is a sensible strategy, assuming addiction B to contain less undesirability than its predecessor. perhaps eliminating addiction A in one fell swoop is too large a step to take and hence the strategy to go step-by-step down.

the tough-minded may prefer the bold approach of going it all at one go anyway. perhaps by smoking less cigarettes a day or administering self-punishment for each alcohol sipped, or by attending self-help groups, or simply going cold turkey. yet these bold-sounding tactics risk becoming a new "addiction" in itself... the penchant for catching oneself in the act again so as to dispense admonition. or worse... failure may result in damage to self-esteem and even social relations - guilt and remorse may lead to anti-social/isolationist behaviour and downward spiraling depression? indeed, self-help groups or voluteer watchdogs could turn into victims as well... in a number of ways.

so with all that random rumination out of the way, i believe that in order to successfully drive out any addiction or obsession one must know why that behaviour is there in the first place. a deeply rooted behaviour may require tackling the root cause before it is truly uprooted for good - roots have the uncanny ability to spawn new shoots. then again, when do we know if we've identified that root or not? it is largely guesswork... trial and error until something hits the spot. that is assuming this whole 'trial and error' business does not itself degenerate into a new addiction...

or maybe... we have addictions to simply remind us of God's great love for us? that even in our unwavering weaknesses, he still loves us for that... sappy eh?

Monday, July 24, 2006

it all began at the padang...

two years ago (roughly), we met while working part-time as drinks servers at the rugby sevens tournament. i still remember the careless way she drank from her bottle, leaving a stream trickling down the corner of her lips. it was that fortuitous overflow which piqued my interest.

then we went out once in a while... in fact, it was so sporadic that it felt more platonic than anything. we dined at unique locations, explored a fair bit of underexplored singaporean destinations, and even smoked our first sheesha together. we talked about social issues and sparred philosophies as if it were a normal thing to do. we talked about life's niggling problems.

and then we planned to go backpacking! for two weeks in june, the 4 of us (+ 2 other rugby sevens colleagues: soffia and vienna) went to bangkok, macau and hongkong. it was the most exhilirating adventure of my life thus far! the fact that 4 of us split into 2 twin rooms (soffia & vienna, me & yvonne) notwithstanding. and under the constant betting of our fellow backpackers on which day we would finally go official, we got attached inevitably.

so now it's been a month... we're discovering more about each other day by day, and learning more abt our eccentricities has been fulfilling at least. how would this relationship turn out? i can only say that all bets are off!

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

zionism? what the hell?

while i am still struggling to understand why human beings blissfully place so much authority and power into the hands of lethally armed and suspiciously unrepresentative governments, the news keeps pummelling my thinking space with jarring bad news. as we all know it, the eternal battle between "good" and "evil" now wears a new label as the unceasing Arab-Israeli conflict. some questions burn in my heart as i read abt the goings-on...

what is zionism?

what is arab solidarity?

what are the people on either side really dying for?

why are their leaders so willing to cause destruction and loss of life?

who gets to call whom good or evil, and on what basis?

what would i do if i were caught in such a situation as:
a) an "innocent" civilian caught in the hot zone;
b) a soldier called to "defend my country";
c) a political leader in a position to make impactful statements;
- and for what agency?

what else can i do, just as who i am right now?

people around the world are getting sick and tired of how power politics floods our senses with senselessness. the light-hearted try making bad jokes of missiles, pointless bravado and their leaders' intellects. the religious pray harder and harder at the expense of some of their faith. the young grow up either associating patriotism with wars or they simply become apathetic. miss universes and their calls for 'world peace' are becoming increasingly bimbotic statements with no relevance to reality. where is the love?

i want to change the world.

i want to impose my optimism on these dark times.

i want politics to stop invading our private lives.

i want our dreams to exit impossibility and appear in reality.

... and perhaps one day i will.

Tuesday, July 11, 2006

where am i?

i can sense the danger lights flickering yet again... i guess i'm on the threshold of exhausting myself yet again.

right after the exams (which i loathingly revised for) a jolly bunch of us were thrown into the frenetic business of planning the orientation camp. right after this camp, i had a couple of days before leaving for my 2 week trip through bangkok, macau, and hong kong. unlike the camp, i didn't really plan much of the itinery for this trip, and many a surprising turn characterised my first attempt at backpacking (including getting myself attached!) and before i could realise i'm back in singapore, it was foc follow-up, lined up right before the life in the spirit seminar. well, here i am after catching a bit of a breather for one day, but mm is having their retreat soon...

am i missing the point?

i know i have a pathological need to keep myself occupied with the business of entertaining others, sharing myself with people. but in all this outpouring, have i neglected those dearest to me? yes, i guess i enjoy self-deprecation a little too much for my own good, but even then i also realise - from the question 'where am i?' - that i have probably neglected my own needs as well.

and embedded in all this misdirection, is one gigantic scandal: what if my under-managed efforts to 'minister to others' are a sham? what if in my enthusiasm to reach out and impress/debate/entertain, i am actually nourishing a spirit of pride more than anything?

am i developing a complex?

even then... amidst all my self-doubting, the foc had been a resounding success - largely due to an amazing team of exuberant workers serving an unbelievable posse of freshmen; the overseas trip was nothing short of fantastic - a collection of wondrous experiences i can never forget; and LISS truly refueled my thirst for the spirit's gifts. i had learnt to cling less to my doubts and allow belief to blossom. i have had reminders aplenty that all is in good hands - God's mighty hands - and all i have to do is love as he has commanded.

so then... where is the love?

then let me boldly affirm this: love is where i am - I AM IN LOVE!!!

and now... all i need is to get these warning lights to dim. world cup is over, time for a disciplined sleep cycle.