Sunday, December 30, 2007

mewwy xmas~


for those who are edgy abt the 'x' in x'mas, it's not really a Latin X |eks|, but a Greek X or 'Chi' |kai|. in Greek, Christ is spelt Χριστός (Christós), which literally means "The Anointed One", which also means X is a legitimate shortening of Christ in Greek, rather than merely "reducing our Lord to a diminutive x". this usage of Chi is also seen in the Chrismon and Labarum, or "Chi-Rho" symbol (), often found on liturgical vestments and altar frontals.




... but on to the main show! mewwy xmas!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

reason for the reasons

i like looking at the essence of things.
i despise fixation with forms.

however.

the reasons i employ seem to be for convincing others.
myself, on the other hand, seem less convinced of them.

do i merely reason to throw others off?
do i use reason for their shock value?
am i employing reason or hypocrisy?
do i believe or do i simply lie?

dear Lord...
i need you to be the reason for my reasons
- nothing less would do.

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

free rice!

ever fancied an expropriation of sesquipedelian locution for the emancipation of the profligate penurious? (i.e. play vocab to feed the poor!)

it really sounds too good to be true... but some nouveau entrepreneur with a heart of gold, thought more for the "least of Christ's brothers" (Mt 25:40) and spawned this amazing little self-running donation.

still not a believer?

me too. and if there's anything on the net which i suspect to be a scam, i trust Snopes.com to talk about it. and they did! the article says it all. for the Wikipedia fans, yup, there's a little article there too. or perhaps you'd rather take a look at what GoogleNews can find.

still skeptical?

well, all it takes is a few clicks to test your own vocabulary (the site donates 20 grains of rice per correct answer) so why not just take a look? use a public computer to test it if you're fearful of hackers - nothing's gonna happen anyway.

http://freerice.com/

or start by checking out their FAQ.
geez, you could really do with less skepticism sometimes.

now go buff up your vocab!

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

form, essence, cause.

i like complaining when people seem fixated on the exterior. perhaps because it makes me seem slightly wiser, a less skin-deep person interested in what lies underneath. perhaps this is the impression i'm attempting to create for myself, so that my own exterior becomes more attractive.

therein lies a certain question, very primal in nature: why is there an exterior? what makes up the form? does this "exterior form" have anything to do with what lies beneath?

this is one reason why those who are concerned about appearances find it hard to swallow when someone like me tries to ignore the exterior - while i may geniunely be trying to "go deeper", i have also managed to ignore the link between the exterior and the interior.

no form is completely without essence - indeed, some kind of essence must exist in advance to cause the form to appear at the surface. just like every bubble that pops on the surface of a pond tends to have some underlying source, be it biological, chemical or geological.

of course, this does not mean that all types of concern for the exterior is legitimate or acceptable - there may be many different causes for those concerns. some are more acceptable: i want to satisfy my spouse, i want my appearance to bring joy to others, i want to look presentable. others are less acceptable: i want others to think well of me, i want to seduce someone, i want all eyes on me. there may be no straightforward manner of grading the "level of acceptability" these various concern-causes; it seems largely quite a subjective matter at first glance. one would need to apply some manner of moral system to begin such comparisons.

evidently, not all these causes may represent the very essence of a person yet - causal chains can go quite long before the essence is reached. how can one tell if a certain stated reason is the root cause? well, without proper contextual clues, it's probably quite difficult, if not impossible, to be certain.

hence we learn that passing judgement is not good practice. the reason is very simple: we can't be sure most of the time, what someone's causal chain is for connecting a certain form to part of that person's essence. if one can't be sure, then will not the judgement be unfair? if it is unfair, then why judge?

one possible exception does exist. for your own person, it is much more possible to understand the causal chains - you set them up, after all. of course, there are times when even our own reasons have become fuzzy, and that is when we need to sit down and reflect - to clarify our own internal moral systems which we want to subscribe to. ultimately, you're usually still the best person to judge yourself, precluding supernatural powers.

yet, a few conclusions can still be made. for one, most exterior forms have a proper causal chain connecting it to a certain essence - though sometimes what appears to be some "essence" really may be a further front that conceals some other deeper essence. therefore, it is not fair for me to completely discount the validity of forms in general, since some may firmly be connected to real essences.

a cynical disenchantment with appearances is also an unfair judgement.

Sunday, November 18, 2007

what's with the music?

Komm, Susser Tod
by Arianne

I know, I know I've let you down,
I've been a fool to myself.
I thought that I could live for no one else,
But now, through all the hurt and pain,
It's time for me to respect.
The ones you love mean more than anything.

So with sadness in my heart,
I feel the best thing I could do,
Is end it all, and leave forever.
What's done is done, it feels so bad,
What once was happy now is sad.
I'll never love again - my world is ending.

I wish that I could turn back time,
'Cause now the guilt is all mine.
Can't live without the trust from those you love.
I know we can't forget the past,
You can't forget love and pride.
Because of that, it's killing me inside.

It all returns to nothing,
It all comes tumbling down, tumbling down, tumbling down.
It all returns to nothing,
I just keep letting me down, letting me down, letting me down.

In my heart of hearts,
I know that I could never love again.
I've lost everything... Everything...
Everything that matters to me matters in this world.

this song is played at the climax of The End of Evangelion - when everything gets 'destroyed'. it's songs like these that comes to my head when i realise i simply can't find it within myself to finish an essay on a sunday.

Saturday, November 17, 2007

more music for the mood

Some say love it is a river that drowns the tender reed
Some say love it is a razor that leaves your soul to bleed
Some say love it is a hunger an endless aching need
I say love it is a flower and you its only seed

It's the heart afraid of breaking that never learns to dance
It's the dream afraid of waking that never takes the chance
It's the one who won't be taken who cannot seem to give
And the soul afraid of dying that never learns to live

When the night has been too lonely and the road has been too long
And you think that love is only for the lucky and the strong
Just remember in the winter far beneath the bitter snows
Lies the seed that with the sun's love in the spring becomes the rose

Bette Midler, anyone? this song (The Rose) was one of those played during that showing of JP2's The Jeweler's Shop at Jubilee Hall - truly lyrics for the tear ducts.

Friday, November 16, 2007

music of the mood

a fantastic jazz rendition of a Sinatra classic by Jamie Cullum...

in the wee small hours of the morning
when the whole wide world is fast asleep
you lie awake thinking of the girl
never even think of counting sheep

when your lonely heart has learnt its lesson
you'd be hers if only she would call
in the wee small hours of the morning
that's the time i miss her most of all

Monday, November 12, 2007

You Should Be an Artist

You are incredibly creative, spontaneous, and unique.
No one can guess what you're going to do next, but it's usually something amazing.
You can't deal with routine, rules, or structure. You're easily bored.
As long as you are able to innovate and break the rules, you are extremely successful.

You do best when you:

- Can work by yourself
- Can express your personality in your work

You would also be a good journalist or actor.


i completely do not believe in BlogThings... but since alexis managed to get Social Worker, thought this one might be fun to do - turns out it's merely based on what image you choose... sighs.

i doubt i work well by myself. besides, how can an actor work alone? i'm quite a bad actor anyways - i can't lie well. and i might make a good journalist... in a country where you won't get sued the pants off of ya.

back to work, then.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

how knowledge works

just wanna type this down before i forget (again). my recent ruminations considering the slippery subject of 'knowledge'.

knowledge, often casually defined as true beliefs, can be purely psychological, but is also undeniably impactful on social relations. hence, there is a sociology of knowledge, built upon some fundamental philosophical understanding of the definition of knowledge.

let's charter the course of knowledge across a social structure. knowledge almost always comes from the particular; i.e. it is created and first encountered at the individual (or agent) level. here, it already has immense potential to shape that individual's reality (and consequently the social reality of those around him/er) even before it is transmitted. within the agent, knowledge can produce manifold psychological impacts - justifying one's actions, inciting one to act, igniting various passions and emotions, impeding an ongoing action, or even just creating interest. of course, trivia (as a form of knowledge) can be of near-zero impact, but generally speaking, the agent's contact with knowledge preempts, and is causative of, action and change.

here, we also already have a layer of interpretation. when any raw data is first imputed to any individual, there may be some knee-jerk responses (especially sense-data of particular jarring nature). these would tend to be labelled information rather than knowledge. the key difference being that knowledge requires some "personal consideration" or interpretation of that information's significance, some level of decoding so that the data is useful rather than "noise". at this level of interpretation, it is already apparent that how a person interprets depends much on his/er prior socialisation and disposition. depending on which cipher one uses, information can decode into vastly different knowledge, and thus lead to drastically different action. yet, this layer of socially-assisted decoding is not purely undirected - the agent is capable of moulding both the cipher he learns and the cipher he wishes to use; apart from choosing what action to take subsequently. the agent thus is an active (and creative) moulder of knowledge.

nextly, things get exciting: the agent is never alone. knowledge gets passed on from agent to agent, both actively and passively. one may choose to transmit one's honest interpretation of some knowledge, or choose to embellish it, or choose to omit/distort parts of knowledge. he may do this in full knowledge of the receiving end's cipher (hence actively shaping the receiver's interpretation) or he may do this hoping to shape the receiver. there may be any number of other intentions for the transmitter at this point - it only depends on one's creativity.

the receiver, of course, is far from unfiltered. she has her own layer of interpretation, her own ciphers to choose from, and her own moulding to participate in. subsequently, she has her own psychological space within which to react to this received knowledge - which may result in further interpretations or tranmissions.

individuals are up till now, assumed to function independently. however, that may of course, not be the case. groups of individuals may choose to interpret knowledge together, consolidating everyone's ciphers and resulting in greater permutations of interpretation. however, the net interpretation may not be completely received by all in that group - the subsequent absorption is more than often differentiated. these groups may also disseminate knowledge as one - both allowing a new entity to assume various responsibilities while allowing the composite individuals to diffuse theirs. as a loose affiliation, dissemination may often be less detailed than transmission, and such knowledge may also contain more interpretations.

these loose affiliations may be coordinated in hierarchies - thus becoming an organisation. here, we can talk about information flowing through various branches of said organisation - but what is often neglected is the grouped interpretation and individual interpretation concurrently going on when information reaches any subordinate entity. depending on how the ciphers are socialised throughout this hierarchy, decoding may be selective and uncontrolled - the net interpretation of such a structure is almost always greater than that allowed for by a single cipher, owing to the individual creativity of each agent and group. there may be both apparent interpretations and (perhaps multiple) latent interpretations of the same knowledge disseminated across such hierarchical organisations. control of information flow is never a guarantee of control over interpretation; hence subsequent actions may vary widely.

not all organisations are coordinated through hierarchies, however. some do not attempt to control information or interpretation, perhaps tacitly admitting to the ability of creativity to thwart these efforts. such networks may spontaneously generate ever increasing amounts of knowledge, often in uncontrolled amounts, yet still encapsulated in a form acceptable for interpretation. here, even though the mode of transmission is uncontrolled, standards of interpretation may spring up, either from a need for mutual understanding (which requires some standardisation, and thus control, of interpretation). of course, standardised interpretation is still not guaranteed to spontaneously emerge from such loose networks, although it generally has to happen if the network is to continue functioning as a disseminator and interpretor of knowledge.

the two (ideal) types of meta-groups described above are of course by no means exhaustive. but both demonstrate the ability of larger social groups with varying levels of coordination to further interpret and disseminate knowledge. thus, at the societal level, knowledge may be interpreted any multitude of times before the next entity encounters it - and adds her own interpretation to the mix.

questions:
- can society spontaneously create knowledge above and beyond its composite agents?
- could such creative non-human entities thus be said to have a conscious will?
- which steps should the process of 'translation' encompass?
- what other types of processes can be described? how useful are these ideal types?

notes:
- need to differentiate raw information from processed knowledge
- account for integrity of information/knowledge within great multiplicities of interpretation.
- account for different intentions and their effects on transmission.
- relate this mapping to creation of reality.

there. just a rough draft. for sc4209.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

"Everything" video on GodTube

some people were sharing this video kind of a while back... just thought i'd revive it a little. it's a very re-enact-able skit for any ministry - well worth considering!

Thursday, October 11, 2007

gerg, the gay supporter

i just signed a petition to the prime minister supporting the repeal of the infamous statute 377A. did i turn gay? whoa... of course not! in fact, sad to say, i still consider myself to be somewhat of a homophobe... i'm cautious around gays, inclined side with homophobic language, and highly uncomfortable with discussing gay sexuality (talking about lesbians is fine tho).

of course, the main issue here is:
how can i support the repeal of an anti-homosexual act law as a Catholic?

that's the point worth discussing in this post. i shall start by mentioning what i consider the proper stand a Catholic should take on the issue of homosexuality:
  • identifying oneself as gay; i.e. that a male is sexually attracted to other males, is not in itself sinful - just as a sex maniac is not sinning until he acts. this does not exclude lustful thoughts, of course! thus, a gay man who lusts after a man is as sinful as a heterosexual man lusting after a woman.

  • the act of anal penetration (or to use an archaic term, sodomy) is, however, condemned by the Catholic church as a "transgression of nature". God Himself is demonstrated as offended by such acts (the word 'sodomy' stems from Sodom and Gomorrah, cities said to commit such acts in mass orgies), thus it is a safe bet for Catholics to steer clear of such sex acts (even if it is heterosexual). here, i would like to compare the much more 'acceptable' act of masturbation: the two are probably equally detestable in God's eyes.

  • "Love thy neighbour as thyself." (Leviticus 19:18, Matthew 5:43. 19:19. 22:39, Mark 12:31, Luke 10:27, Romans 13:9, Galatians 5:14, 1John 4:7. 11, James 2:8) is the one law which sums up one's faithfulness to God. John the Evangelist says it the best: "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." these words of God clearly tell us how we ought poise ourselves for our homosexual brethren - the same way we treat any other sinner, with love and acceptance.
now that the stand is clarified, the next question comes:
how does repealing 377A support that stand in any way?

here, i shall simply paste the comments i added to my petition... do read on:
I am a practicing Catholic and I continue to believe that homosexual acts are against the natural order and offends God. However, God did give us the freedom to make our own choices, whether to commit sins or not. Among the many sinful choices which the Law punishes, I would consider 377A to be excessive - the Law does not punish people who masturbate, does it?

Decriminalisation, however liberal it may seem, however it may imply homosexuality as acceptable, remains the only fair way forward, as particularly poignantly laid out in Para 5. I do not think conservatives wanting to keep an old law simply because it seems "too progressive" can be considered reasonable; neither can Catholics be considered good Catholics if they choose to support such an oppressive law as their preferred method of serving our homosexual brothers.
further to those comments, i believe that leaning on the power of a secular court to deal with homosexual acts usually only leads to either, i) over-punishment, ostracism and stigmatisation, or ii) apathy due to non-prosecution. the latter is what seems the trend today - and while it makes a mockery of the legal system, it also insulates Catholics: non-visible homosexuality = no need to care about them or talk to them. for us practicing Catholics, s377A only either torments our lost brothers, or keeps us in an impenetrable "comfort zone" of ignorance and inaction.

an additional point to note is this: our more fundamentalist Christian brothers may be far more intolerant and oppressive in their gay ministries, employing peer pressure and guilt rather than Christ's way of gentle compassion - inviting conversion as a response to love. the result is their disillusionment with the church and often outright rejection of Christ himself. if us Catholics remain entrenched in our "comfort zones", Christ's ministry suffers! (this is not meant to diss Protestant efforts to reach out to gays: at least they try.)

the way to approach gays, for us as Catholics, must be the same approach we endorse with all other sinners (genocidal murderers, incestuous paedophiles, corrupt politicians, money-worshipping idolators; your brothers and sisters): the way Christ moved the world by becoming the Lamb led to the slaughter. we must put our lives on the line to listen to our brothers and be a channel of God's grace for them instead of merely relying on punitive laws. that is why i signed the petition - as a commitment to loving my gay brothers.

i shall end off sharing this hymn - note the irony!

God Is Love
Love it was that made us and it was love that saved us.
Love was God's plan. When he made man; God's divine nature is love.
Born of God's love we must love Him, that's why He made us to love Him;
But only when we love all men can we partake of God's love.
But only when we love all men can we partake of God's love.

Love is a wonderful thing, joy in our hearts it will bring.
Where there's true love there is God and where there's God there is love.

Christ said: "Love must be the sign by which men will know you from Mine.
A new commandment I give: each other love as I did."

Tuesday, October 09, 2007

quoteses!

found a nice page with some great quotes (while searching for that first one on the list)... just share a few with you:
"The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing."
- Edmund Burke (1729-1797)
"Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo."
- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

"Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever."
- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"Don't be so humble - you are not that great."
- Golda Meir (1898-1978) to a visiting diplomat

"Political correctness is tyranny with manners."
- Charlton Heston (1924-)

"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet."
- Saint Augustine (354-430)

"Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)

"A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use."
- Galileo Galilei

"The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work."
- Emile Zola (1840-1902)

"The full use of your powers along lines of excellence."
- definition of "happiness" by John F. Kennedy (1917-1963)

"In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But in practice, there is."
- Yogi Berra

"I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have."
- Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826)

"In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends."
- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

"Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right."
- Henry Ford (1863-1947)

"Do, or do not. There is no 'try'."
- Yoda ('The Empire Strikes Back')

"I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves."
- Ludwig Wittgenstein (1889-1951)

"There are no facts, only interpretations."
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."
- Martin Luther King Jr. (1929-1968)

"Dancing is silent poetry."
- Simonides (556-468bc)

"Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws."
- Plato (427-347 B.C.)

"The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it."
- George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)

"Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'."
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake."
- Napoleon Bonaparte (1769-1821)

"Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe."
- H. G. Wells (1866-1946)

"Talent does what it can; genius does what it must."
- Edward George Bulwer-Lytton (1803-1873)

"The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'."
- unknown

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
- Sharon Stone

"If you are going through hell, keep going."
- Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

"He who has a 'why' to live, can bear with almost any 'how'."
- Friedrich Nietzsche (1844-1900)

"Many wealthy people are little more than janitors of their possessions."
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh."
- Voltaire (1694-1778)

"I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them."
- Ian L. Fleming (1908-1964)

"Facts are the enemy of truth."
- Don Quixote - "Man of La Mancha"

"When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world."
- George Washington Carver (1864-1943)

"How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself."
- Anais Nin (1903-1977)

"I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
- Thomas Alva Edison (1847-1931)

"There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it."
- Oscar Wilde (1854-1900)

"There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle."
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
whoops. that's quite a long list huh? well the whole page is way longer... go read if u have the time =) btw, i also have some of my own quotes somewhere on this page...

Saturday, September 15, 2007

imprecision

this was inspired (partially) by Fr Kenson's RCIA session last thurs. he was supposed to lecture about the order of the mass (think GIRM), but when he touched on the Eucharist, he kinda side-tracked into this tirade against English.

"English is a very poor language. it is simply unable to capture so much of the meaning that Greek, Hebrew and Latin expressed." he then proceeded to tell us how in English, the sentence "A is B" is a much weaker expression of 'being' than the Latin "A est B". "A is B" could mean that A is like B, or B is an attribute of A, or A is a symbolic representation of B. but "A est B" is precise: A is equals to B - in its entirety. so when Christ said "This is my Body" He did not mean the bread is like His body, or the bread is partly His body, or the bread represents His body. He simply meant the bread is equal to His body. which makes the Eucharistic celebration all the more profound!

anyway. i pondered over this exposition of English's one major flaw - imprecision - and realised that this multimodal form of expression is really quite innate; hence the problem of imprecision could actually be underlying the least scrutinised expressions! are we even able to mean what we say when the combination of words allows for 3 different readings? and have these 3 different meanings become so conflated now that we are no longer able to even distinguish them when we wish to? how has this affected our communication?

and when you think about it, English being the most widely used language these days, especially in academia and politics, could it mean that all the cool theories and so-called advances we've made so far in understanding various ideas (in fact, any idea!) have been tempered by this level of imprecision? did we misunderstand anyone somewhere along the way? is that why so much human suffering has dominated modern history since the English empire? or has the conflation of similar meanings actually led to a less rigidly one-track world able to enjoy more satire and parody? is that even a good thing?

language lies at the heart of all communication. communication lies at the heart of all understanding. understanding lies at the heart of all learning. if the language is poor, then the learning cannot get much richer. is that why the Church had resisted translation of the bible for so many centuries? is that why the Protestant Reformation has led to cafeteria Christianity? have we lost our heart in all this mess? learning is the best way for a sinful person to move away from sinfulness - are we failing to utilise the most important advantage of learning?

good stuff for a theological thesis eh? throw in bags of literary criticism, sociolinguistics, and dialectic historicism - poof, you have a complete historical commentary which challenges its very own basis of exposition. how about that.

Monday, September 10, 2007

singapore, o quaint, lovely, orwellian city

haven't been bothered with local news for quite a long while now... been more concerned with everybody's spiritual growth most times. it brings nostalgia paralleling independent news reporters for my quaint city's news!

the latest intrigue comes from cops responding to Ultraman and friends. apparently some anime lovers were protesting with their toys (what an idea! skirt the laws!) at *Scape (i think it's that grafitti place in orchard) and that managed to attract 4 police buses.

ROFLMAO!!~

what the biang, activate police bus free one or what? action figures also can activate! what if some real crime was happening elsewhere... oh right, what was i thinking? this lovely city never has crime to deal with anyway.

as mrbrown points out, the local media maintains radio silence on such quirky (and i believe, newsworthy) events - but Reuters has no govt muzzle (well at least it's not muzzled here la) so check out their article!

boy, i miss all this online jounalism man... it so makes me feel like i'm making a dent on the ideological superstructure without laying my arse on the line... har har har.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

the myth of the slow computer

do you know how fast a computer actually is?

that old 486 which says it's running at 66kHz... that actually means it's capable of executing 66,000 instructions PER SECOND.

so why in blue hell are we always waiting for the computer to stop hanging!?

what is going on behind that beguiling "rolling hills" wallpaper which windows xp likes to display?

i think i do believe that today's gigahertz processors ARE really capable of billion calculations per second. i think it's the PROGRAMMING which i'm not so sure about.

especially windows.

what a deceptively simple name! i wonder what kind of programming mess lies behind that. the jumbled code which takes on a life of its own by jumbling itself up each time the clueless user attempts to click something. haven't you ever wondered why we need to defrag the harddisks and why we need third-party registry clean-up apps?

your computer isn't slow. it's not trying to screw you over with blue screens of death. no... the computer is only as slow as the programming installed.

microsoft created the myth of the slow computer.

Saturday, August 04, 2007

playing guitar

i've a little resolution to make after listening to Corrinne May's fantabulous concert (i'm a fan now. awkwardly, but i'm a fan!):

i shall learn more guitar songs and especially hymns/p&w stuff so that i can be a better guitar player for my friends!

so if you have any song which you want me to play for you, please let me know k? i shall begin to build up a proper repertoire in earnest - on Corrinne's account =)

oh btw here's a shot of the concert i sneaked =P
Corrinne... you're a real inspiration. a drop of golden sunshine emanating Christ's boundless love in this loveless world. conquer this world in His name o superhero girl!

Friday, August 03, 2007

presumptions

this morning i tried to call ryan, hoping to check if i should go straight to the matric fair or not. he didn't pick up. the first thought that came to my mind was: he's a guy - why doesn't he pick up the phone? perhaps he's driving and still on the way? then isn't he quite late?

all those questions are examples of presumption - presumed assumptions. our eager-to-blame minds often accords blame to people even in the absence of concrete proof.

if someone's phone does not get through, would you say that that person had purposely switched his/er phone off? perhaps you might even take it more personally and say s/he is switching the phone off just to avoid your call! but really, without further information, it is just as likely that his/er phone simply died either due to a flat battery or poor reception. that phone might even have been lost, stolen or spoilt - less likely, but still probable given the lack of concrete evidence! why is it that we automatically take things personally?

let's say a friend is late. perhaps s/he's stuck in a jam. perhaps s/he's got a wardrobe malfunction. perhaps s/he's got to attend to some family matter first. there could be an infinite amount of perhapses, and yet, more often than not we find ourselves condemning that friend for purposefully choosing to be late so that we have to wait for him/er. some friend we are! instead of being worried for the late friend's well-being, we are content to simmer in our private anguish.

how about when a sibling says something hurtful? silent treatment. no more sharing. immediate retaliation. do we know in that instant whether s/he actually meant to hurt us? or was it a mere slip of the tongue? does it have to snowball into a cold war?

presumptions, presumptions. i'm very tempted to link such reflex think-the-worst mentality to that arduous political philosophy of realism, but that wouldn't be very fair since i won't be bothering to write a full essay here. indeed, if i made such a negative claim without proof or even argument, then i'm merely making yet another presumption!

so - difficult as it may be - let's try a different kind of presumption. the positive kind. next time a car overtakes you with a crazy manouvre, give that driver the benefit of the doubt - you'd be doing that too if your boss was gonna fire you for being late that time.

Wednesday, August 01, 2007

reductionism

reductionism - the idea of reducing large, complex situations into simplified, more understandable models - is one of the few philosophies which are truly multidisciplinary. reductionism is, in a sense, a significant cornerstone of fields as diverse as mathematics, literature, the sciences (both physical and social), philosophy, engineering, business, and history. i could give examples in each field, but let's just settle for these three: in math, long functions are reduced and simplified into equations - some of which then describe relations between natural phenomena via physics; in philosophy, much of logic is similarly reduced to equations, while "cause and effect" commonly becomes descriptive of any sequence of events; even in history, where attempts are made to understand an event from different perspectives so as to capture its complexity, most reports end up emphasising bite-size fact-nuggets, or else there may be no readers.

why does this "reductionism" fascinate me? i just watched part one of The Corporation (available for download at www.thecorporation.com) and throughout, i was reflecting on what a friend told me about doing business. you reduce a good concept to something which "the masses" can understand and appreciate, so that they would buy into it. initially it sounded somewhat logical, although some part of me felt uncomfortable with this proposition. it's true, isn't it? "the masses" can't be expected to think for themselves, can they? voluminous reports, no matter how meticulously done, would still never be able to capture the details of complexities in (especially) social circumstances - much less convey the most important messages to the client.

so what then are these "most important messages"? this is cynical, but in the business world, it's usually about how the presenter is competent, the proposition will definitely work, and both parties will make money. that scenario is presented many times over in The Corporation. one queasy point which is often left out in reductionist reports is this big word: externalities. now it doesn't necessarily always have to be negative, and yet since by definition externalities don't result in direct profit, they are usually left out even if they're positive - unless a spin can be put on it of course.

in our modern reductionist society, individuals no longer appreciate any form of complexity. in fact, some no longer consider the world complex to begin with! what with all the breakthroughs in every field telling us more than we can ever know or understand... haven't we already covered everything? or rather, isn't whatever externality being dealt with by someone else already? here, we see how reductionism, when misapplied, can easily result in evasion of responsibility. why should i bother with recycling? i'm not wasting much anyway. even if i do go the extra mile, someone else is bound to waste that mile for me. why think about the next generation and how they would suffer in a world parched by us? i'd be gone by then. i have enough worries for tomorrow as it is.

to admit, for the individual the above statements do hold some truth: recycling 10kg of paper isn't going to save even 1% of a tree. however, The Corporation showed me how such thinking could quickly blow out of proportion when it dominates a group of individuals - culminating in the perfectly amoral and profit-driven corporation of today. when a large company wastes resources, who is to blame? every individual within? even so, how do you stop these behemoths with their gigantic litigation departments?

reductionism has brought us much progress in science and technology. yet these multifarious progresses are not in themselves simple or one-dimensional - we cannot even begin to fathom how amazingly complex their impacts can be. however, this does not mean we completely ignore the externalities and reduce them away. in our list of priorities when making choices, each one of us must retain that awareness of others and pinpoint at least those externalities which are most harmful. the urban setting may alienate each individual to the point of mutual ignorance, but everything we do as individuals continues to impact society at large - reducibly or not.

when subjecting humanity to reductionism, pray do not let moral responsibility and empathy be reduced away. we can be simplified - but does that mean we are no longer complex? are we still human or mere "masses"...

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

a progress update (with not much progress)

the holidays began on 6th May - and it's been 80 days since. i've managed to scrape myself through an orientation camp, a couple of retreats, and some exco stuff. other than that, i've also managed to NOT start my driving lessons, read up for my thesis, get a job for money, arrange get-togethers for at least 3 groups of old friends, catch up with my own family (how about that), pack up my room, work on the bad habits, communicate more with God, and... i should stop lambasting myself.

the hols thus far have really been great. many, MANY moments to be thankful for. and i can really live with all my shortcomings so far - sorry to my friends and family who have to live with them too - all except one.

i need to love.

once again, i find myself atop that breathtaking precipice. a great panoramic view of the Garden God has created surrounds me and fills my being - i brim with pride and joy. the boundless blue sky daintily pettered with shades of cloud alluring beyond human imagination. the rugged beauty of a jagged landscape replete with forest, mountain, river, and plain - all unspoiled. the warm sunshine... the clear air... the uplifting breeze... all will remain as it is - cold perfection which humanity can only wonder about in complete amazement - unless i make a choice. i could despoil it: like my brethren, or i could fulfil it: by embracing it as i was created to do so. i know fully well which way i would like to go and how appropriate it would be.

and yet. i am stuck. a sore thumb ill-worthy of the God-given title: beloved. the serenity around me is all at once frozen - expectant. all it takes is a choice... to take one step forward... an exhilirating plunge into reality... a little leap of faith... but i am frozen in fear. uncertainty. doubt. self-lambasting.

i need to love - and i need to start with myself.

Friday, July 13, 2007

an amorous affirmation

g: Lord?
G: yes, son?
g: my God, do you love me?
G: of course, My dear - without a doubt.
g: as in like, really really?
G: yes, My precious - really really.
g: forever and ever?
G: until the end of time.
g: um... Father?
G: I'm still listening.
g: Dad... I love you too.
G: I know! even before I made you. I knew.

Monday, July 02, 2007

the time is now to fulfil each vow for i may never pass this way again

Remember, too, that "they who are ever taking aim, make no hits; that they who never venture, never gain; that to be safe is to be ever feeble; and that to do some substantial good is compensation for much incidental imperfection."
this quote is the near-miraculous answer to my recent argument with my dearest marc (bless your soul) about "when to act" - it is NOW. where did i come across the quote? well... today i read for 7.30am mass and between 8.30am and my lectors' meeting at 1pm, i attended stachoir's practice (which was extremely uplifting btw) and legion AF's meeting (boy i miss jr legion mtgs) and the quote is from the Legion handbook, under Chapter 32 "Objections which may be anticipated", Point 11 "Obstacles in the way of starting, there will always be". if you can get a hold of any Legion handbook, look for that chapter and read it - you will then be (more) ready to serve in any vocation.

or get it from the handbook of Life itself!

today's Gospel (13th ordinary sunday)
"Once the hand is laid on the plough, no one who looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."
Luke 9:62, Jerusalem Bible*

next sunday's (14th ordinary)
"Start off now, but remember, I am sending you out like lambs among wolves."
Luke 10:3, JB

and for the lucky ones who still remember our CAW Rally...

i'm good at being sardonic with these words: are your hearts still on fire? do you remember when the time was now? but let's not be harsh la... until we finally meet our maker, he has given us all the time we need to find out what his teachings truly mean. and believe him: the truth will set you free (John 8:32).

*in case you didn't know, our missal uses the Jerusalem Bible, which includes J.R.R. Tolkien as one of its co-editors. so far i haven't been able to find an online version of the JB, but Universalis.com quotes from it for mass readings. the full New Jerusalem Bible (NJB) tho, is available online at Knights of Colombus - just that they protect the html so it's a bit difficult to copy n paste from there (you have to view source and search from there). yes, i'm a lector alright.

Monday, June 18, 2007

rainbows & orientation

i don't know why God is such a showoff, but everytime we try to orientate freshmen (2 years in a row at least), he comes along and throws us huge rainclouds, thus forcing us into frantic prayer lest our Sentosa plans collapse. he then takes the trouble to show us he listens by blowing those rainclouds away and painting rainbows in the sky - right over the beach in Sentosa where they are most easily visible.
shrugs... i dunno why you do the things you do, Father, but i guess i'm still pretty thankful for that. whoever said beauty moves people was right after all!

Saturday, June 02, 2007

SMRT ad

seen on bus 853...

"when in doubt, tell the truth."
- Mark Twain

to advertise with SMRT buses, call ###.

advertisers... please don't remove those inspiring quotes from the SMRT bus windows... sometimes, it's simply not worth the extra profit.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

save the world?

after a hellishly hot night of rolling around in bed trying not to sweat, I'VE HAD IT.


i'm gonna save the world from climate change!

are you one of the bushies who don't believe in it? well, here's the proof:
  • Warming of the climate system is unequivocal.
  • Most of (>50% of) the observed increase in globally averaged temperatures since the mid-20th century is very likely (confidence level >90%) due to the observed increase in anthropogenic (human) greenhouse gas concentrations.
  • Hotter temperatures and rises in sea level "would continue for centuries" even if greenhouse gas levels are stabilized, although the likely amount of temperature and sea level rise varies greatly depending on the fossil intensity of human activity during the next century.
  • The probability that this is caused by natural climatic processes alone is less than 5%.
  • World temperatures could rise by between 1.1 and 6.4°C (2.0 and 11.5°F) during the 21st century and that:
    • Sea levels will probably rise by 18 to 59 cm.
    • There is a confidence level >90% that there will be more frequent warm spells, heat waves and heavy rainfall.
    • There is a confidence level >66% that there will be an increase in droughts, tropical cyclones and extreme high tides.
  • Both past and future anthropogenic carbon dioxide emissions will continue to contribute to warming and sea level rise for more than a millennium.
  • Global atmospheric concentrations of carbon dioxide, methane, and nitrous oxide have increased markedly as a result of human activities since 1750 and now far exceed pre-industrial values over the last 650,000 years.
[more or less verbatim from the wikipedia article on IPCC.]

anyway, back to saving the world. here's my little manifesto:
- switch off ALL appliances when i'm not using them or around them for 2 minutes or more. i.e. if i'm taking a shower, i turn off all the lights and fans in my room until i get back. in fact, i will also AT LEAST switch the laptop to low power mode. if not i can't bathe in peace.

- save water. i don't have the figures now, but i do know that water purification is probably a very energy intensive process. maybe i'm saving 10kWh for every 10 litres i save, which would translate into maybe 10 moles less pollutants? it's worth it to me.

- buy less. of EVERYTHING. you know what's consumption? that's eating the world away, one small piece at a time. i will not purchase anything for pure fickle pleasure until the capitalist mode of production is able to at least recycle >50% of its products. i will also try to read up on each manufacturer's history to determine if they are eco-friendly or not, and avoid products from companies who have a bad history. this INCLUDES FOOD. they are consumables.

- i will enjoy my public transport. damn, singapore is so small, public transport is barely an hour from anywhere to anywhere! AND you save the world too... what's not to enjoy man? the tv-mobile? heh... maybe.

- i will preach relentlessly about this. i know that my own efforts can barely make a dent on climate change... unless i also do my part in promoting MENTALITY CHANGE. will you change your mentality about saving the world and walk with me?

now... if anyone is free, please help me check up on the power usage ratings of the common daily household appliances... is there a way to tally how much we're saving the world? i think this is quite do-able and might actually be fun!

Monday, May 21, 2007

more distance

it's finally a day to slack since the exams ended and jon gave me the mission to go serve css... but all i can think about is how i've tried so hard to be loving (i really did) and only ended up feeling distance.

it strangely started with a love letter from steph & fel... it was a cheesy thingy la, and i was really quite happy to get it still (being my usual crappy self), but now that i have it, i dunno... it's not like they don't uncheesily love me or that i only love them cheesily, but i just... feel... distant. how do you love someone if you have no idea what's going on? how do you love someone if they are merely people you go out with or do css projects with? what kind of love is it when you're happy to see them just because they're at a meeting with you?

and furthermore i have been bugging half of css these days - the projects need manpower. while thinking up names to call, i was ever so aware of each soul's fragility - for some, this could be a huge opportunity to turn back to God, while for others, simply another annoying Christian to ignore. and even as i knew i had to push only in all gentleness, i heard a voice scream silently in my head: YOU are so fragile! that was when i knew i really needed Christ to be beside me in every little thing i do... or I will end up fluctuating again. but even if i'm not distant from my Lord... i still felt so far away from my dear friends whom i'm trying to contact...

but am i really trying? or am i merely hoping for more tools to help prop up the cantankerous machinery of css? am i pushing gently for people to help out or merely pushing them further away? there is no fear in love... then why am i so seized?

i went blog-visiting in my spare time (3-5am) hoping i could see a little warmth and closeness. i ended up posting the weirdest of posts: "i feel like i'm losing touch with you." amidst all the meetings i've been attending, the only thing i feel really close to is the work - having been there and done it all. the people are ever just out of reach... a sliver of translucent material just obscuring my grasp... i see them and i call out...

but only my voice comes back to me.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

ascension @ novena

didn't really like the priest's sermon... too accusatory. may leave bitter taste in many mouths. however, his words do make sweet meditative fodder. this hymn, however, i had to take home:

Chords for "O God, You Search Me"
Psalm 139, tune by Bernadette Farrell
Duration: [X] = [Y] [Y] = [Z] [Z] [Z] [Z]

O [D] God, You [G/D] search [D] me [A/D] and [D] You [A] know [D] me. [D/C#]
[G/B] All my [Dadd9/F#] thoughts lie [G] open [Bm] to Your [Asus4] gaze. [A]
When I [Bm] walk [Bm/A] or lie [G] down You [A/G] are be-[F#m]fore [Bm] me: [Bm/A]
[G7M] E-ver the [Em7] ma-[D/F#]ker and [G] keeper [A] of my [Dsus4] days. [D]

You know my resting and my rising.
You discern my purpose from afar,
And with love everlasting You besiege me:
In ev'ry moment of life or death, You are.

Before a word is on my tongue, Lord,
You have known its meaning through and through,
You are with me beyond my understanding:
God of my present, my past and future, too.

Although Your Spirit is upon me,
Still I search for shelter from Your light.
There is nowhere on earth I can escape You:
Even the darkness is radiant in Your sight.

For You created me and shaped me,
Gave me life within my mother's womb.
For the wonder of who I am I praise You:
Safe in Your hands, all creation is made new.

had a really hard time finding the chords to this fantastic song... thanks to grace (law grad, yr of 2006) who transcribed this to me from scores... hopefully it's true to original! your creator knows you thru and thru... so there's no shame, only love.

Saturday, May 05, 2007

this changed my life today!

well, it's a pretty simple webpage, the content would go down for almost anyone. and the message rocked my world. haha. watch the video!

http://www.hollywoodblasphemy.com/

luckily spiderman doesn't swear! =)

Thursday, May 03, 2007

i am liminal

it's already my last paper... but like every other sem before this, the last paper is still the hardest to focus and revise for. aside from the exams themselves being so problematic and full of contradictions - not unlike my liminal self - i keep rationalising until i find this entire enterprise pointless. my head is truly a mess of fallacies!

i disagree with studying for the sake of grades. i should be enjoying my studies - it should be an endeavour aimed at enriching my knowledge, so that i may one day contribute to this growing mass... of trite, self-glorifying trivia? in enriching my knowledge, will that really amount to any sizable contribution in the future? besides... i don't think much of what i'm studying is truly worthy of respect anyway - much of it remains impenetrable to mere undergrads; the rest of it points at such obscure abstractions as to be barely useful in any sense.

some theories seem little more than attempts to publish so as to make a living. others seem like fiction which can't compete with real fiction authors. some are even like spiritual epiphanies from a higher realm, concepts which thrive upon so many interwoven hypotheses as to resemble theology or mythology more than a social theory based on real society. and of course... reality itself becomes hard to grasp.

where am i going with all this? so i'm trying to make sure i do a little better than if i had went for the paper without any revision at all... so i'm merely like the paranoid students i make fun of once in a while... so the grade does matter (i think) in whether i get to do my masters... well, the biggest 'so' in my head now is really... "so what?"

so what if i do do a little better? so what if i manage to maintain second uppers and end up doing masters? so what if i continue to feel so liminal, locked in a micro-universe besieged by endless, rationalising, discontinuous, ingenuous, pretentious, sanity-warping thoughts?

i will merely happen upon this feeling of liminality once more. damn you anthropologists - you think you figured out something about humanity, but you only got someone else planetstruck!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

i am powerful

did you know that...

every thought expressed in discernible means is the beginning of influence?

every spoken/written word represents an exercise of power?

every name called upon signifies the caller's right to summon the name?

every sentence constructed alludes to the constructor's grammatical and semantic competence?

every social being is an interlocutor of varying combinations of hegemonic forces?

every individual's existence contains myriad repercussions for society?

every communicated meme, every interpreted meaning, every fragment of knowledge, combines in unaccounted manners to form reality?

every attempt to appraise/encounter reality distorts truth?

... and now you regret, for i've screwed with your head. told ya i'm powerful!!!

Friday, April 20, 2007

epiphany #6

i want to love!!!

but...

how?
not faith in
y o u r s e l f
but faith in
~M E~

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

tio virus

i'm proud to announce: my lappy has kena virus! it's called worm.win32.small.r (according to kaspersky's antivirus). my original antivirus prog (AVG by Grisoft) suddenly stopped updating abt a week ago, and suddenly my com kena virus. how did i find out?

when the grad video refused to play last friday.

my heart sank as i felt my friend's hearts sink. a gigantic wave of pure wrath tsunami-ed my puny brain. i almost cracked my lappy in half there and then! but somehow, perhaps with the altar right beside me, i managed to cool it a bit. kudos to marc, gary, and aaron who were there to absorb my frustration... sorry guys.

we had prepped quite a bit for the video. we tried our best to plan the mass, making sure the bookmarks were there, the announcers knew what to do, the petitions had time to be written... but mass still failed to be on time. why huh? why the mad rush to save time? and how come the damned planning still fail?

maybe cos God wishes us to spend more time in Him?

geez. i'd like to see that one get broadcast to the community. i honestly haven't been honest enough, but sometimes, i feel we don't try enough to be Christian. so what if mass starts late? so what if the announcements seem neverending? i don't sense a shred of empathy for what we're going thru, much less the cooperation we're so desperately seeking. now i know how it must have hurt when i accused joel of not planning the new year goodies fundraising well enough (last year). o the rawness of the wounds still bite unceasingly - and i must cast them upon my Lord lest i explode one day.

perhaps it wasn't just the lappy that tio virus... perhaps the virus is more virulent than i expected. i want so much to serve... but if i can't accept the cross as He did, then perhaps i'm only trying to serve for my own sake. now i must disinfect this virus of mine and serve Him for His people's sake.

and let's hope i get my lappy back soon!

Friday, April 13, 2007

politics is emotional

take heed: i'm gonna be lambasting emotion and politics in one bold stroke.

everyone has feelings. everyone has 5 layers of maslow-desires. everyone is an id, ego, and superego rolled into one. everyone performs that social role to the best they can because they feel it "fits". (i'm citing loads of random theories just to sound academic. don't cite me.) but basically, everybody lives their lives as if they're the centre.

nobody seems to see the Christ in anyone else but themselves.

how do you serve when you're emotional? how do you pray when you feel trapped in that powerful negative emotion? what is one supposed to do with anger, hate, disappointment, irritation, betrayal, jealousy, rejection, depression?

you become reactionary.

stemming from that internally justified rationale of righting the imbalanced emotion, you work on your self-esteem. you decide you shall stand down no longer and stand up for what you stand for. and in standing up, you cast mighty shadows upon your opponents. a line is drawn. the self and the other are created. it's me against the world - you are either for us or against us.

where's the Christ in this? how can one be Christian if they draw such bounding boundaries?

well, there's one simple way: by becoming political.

anger: i'm not angry with you. i'm angry with your ideas. which are thought of by you, so you get some of the anger-flak. i apologise if i seemed so, but really, i'm not angry with you. just the damned ideas.

hate: i don't hate you. i just hate the way you squirm about. stop being such a flip-flop; stand for something i can digest! don't do such hate-able things. even then, i won't hate you.

disappointment: you don't disappoint me. you had it rough. man is created weak and we only constantly weaken ourselves. i'd have done the exact same thing. it's really not your fault. i'm not disappointed.

irritation: you're not irritating, you're doing what you need to do. i understand where you're coming from and i know where you're bringing us. our perspectives may differ but i respect your non-irritating attempts at irritation.

betrayal: you didn't betray me. it was a mere miscommunication. the broken telephone line. the hustle and bustle of urban freneticism. the junk in the dna. you couldn't have betrayed me. i don't feel betrayed.

jealousy: i'm not jealous. i thank God that you're blessed in your special way. i'm amazed at His obtusely amazing plans. i'm glad He's created you unequal. now you don't get jealous of me!

rejection: i wasn't rejected. i wasn't brushed aside. my stand was weak - full of loopholes. my ill-conceived plan was rejected. i'm not gonna take it personally.

depression: i'm not spiralling. i'm free as a bird, strong as a tree! with my God beside me, inside me, between me, how could i feel such an odd emotion? i'm only mildly saddened.

now, now... how could that be political? you tell me. you say one thing and mean another. you judge, pre-judge, and re-judge, then claim you are objectively non-judgemental. you respect the almighty norm of formality and eloquence, but you think in one-dimensionally hurtful words. how could a Christian think such thoughts? noooo... to be one, you gotta swallow it all. don't throw Christ's face: be two-faced.

man is an irritatingly political animal - because he's emotional. but when he's Christ-like - i'm betting my life on this - the emotions all become positive, and the politics becomes a silly annoyance in the back of his head.

why disagree when you can try and try again? why have faith when you already believe?

when you pray, close your door. when you give, your left hand doesn't know. when you save a person, you don't make him twice as worthy of hell. when you fast, be happy. when you serve, turn the other cheek.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

dare i feel?

it's the precipice of depression... my veins contract nervously. soon, i would be a phantom shadowing what's left of my shadowy existence. it's serendipitous how i got here; and so it shall be as i leave.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

drained - again

and this time... by simply being unproductive. sine prole is really becoming me.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

the essence of doubt

doubts are everywhere. everyone doubts someone or something once in a while. now, that is a scary prospect! let me tell you why...

the person who doubts begins a journey, an exploration of unknown terrain. it's a good choice, really, seeing as how such journeys could bring the intrepid doubter across mountains and valleys into the promised land of Wisdom.

unfortunately, most of us have misconstrued the whole concept of doubt: we very often take it as an end in itself. this is where the scariness spooks. if the bulk of people travelling that journey of doubt believe the first step to be the end point, a sufficient reason to conclude that belief is unnecessary, then nobody would ever reach the promised land of Wisdom!

let me throw in a soci example. we pompous armchair critics like to deconstruct stuff and throw it in people's faces, like when we talk about religion, we say religion has a function in society. religion helps "maintain social cohesion and solidarity" through encouraging its adherents to attend rituals and ceremonies which evoke strong sentiments. sometimes, this encouragement can seem almost coercive due to people not wanting to be seen as un-religious or disobedient. these communal activities supposedly provide a sort of "social glue" where people then firmly subscribe to the ideals of that religion. the theory then goes on to assert that these "ideals of religion" are really what a particular society (sub- or unconsciously) considers to be the most important values. thus religion, while trying to assert the existence of God, is really trying to socialise individuals into good slaves of Society, which then assumes some dimension of godhood. now that the function of religion is somewhat deconstructed, i can imagine that many adherents would gasp with mouths widely agape, exclaiming, "the danged proselyters have screwed me over!" well, that's an example of taking the first step as the endpoint.

why? because the process (deconstruction, in the above case) is incomplete! take those claims above and line them up like this:
1. some of the impetus to participate in religious activities is actually based on guilt
2. rituals and activities merely serve to socialise individuals
3. religion's ideals are merely subservient to Society's ideals
4. Society is God

well, for point 1., even if the guilt stems from merely not wanting to be in the crowd, it's still not necessarily tantamount being "screwed over", unless you want to believe that. simply because, if everyone else is doing a certain thing, there ought to be some reason they're doing it, right? and if the acclaimed reason is one that sounds correct (worshipping God), then why not? the guilt can be seen as coercive, if you go on claiming that the "encouragement" is really a fear of judgement and ostracism. nothing illogical or problematic there, except that it's really quite difficult to prove that the individual is completely non-complicit in forming that judgement and/or ostracism. i.e., if you do something wrong, you can't simply expect the community to be saintly and instantly forgive you; there will always be those less saintly who will judge and ostracise. but you did something wrong first. and besides, this informal system of tit-for-tat is in itself proper, no?

for point 2., let's call it a tautology. if a social activity doesn't have any impact on the individual at all, then what the heck is for anyway? rituals and ceremonies help an individual understand their religion better (which incidentally is a function of rituals and ceremonies in the context of religion); does that mean religion is trying to psycho you? you make your own choices still, yes? granted, being in an environment of religiosity tends to shift people towards being religious - does that mean they are not able to exercise free choice any longer? and even if it does slightly feel like a restricted freedom, is not the end result of a congruous, positive religious community a good result? AND worth that restricted freedom? Singaporeans should know what i'm talking about =)

point 3. is really a coup for religion! if religions contain the most treasured ideals of a society, is that not in itself justified? only the best ideals should be worshipped, yea? as for their ideals being subservient to society's, it seems to imply that society is somehow "evil" or "unworthy". but really, religion serves society, just as politicians are supposed to serve their citizens (ouch). so if it seems as if some religious ideals are merely subservient, it may be because that certain religions do not want to wage holy war against society's infidels (no offense intended), but would rather try to dialogue. leaving the theory in typical socified airy-fairy style could distort a clearer understanding of intermingling social factors.

is society God? many times it seems so, truly. why follow norms? am i following social norms to please the society-God? it seems so effusive, isn't it? but we are over-generalising. norms are not evil laws to mandate your behaviour. no, society isn't out to control you simply for the sake of lording it over you. norms are constructed over time, through many intricate processes. individuals need to agree that murder is illegal and it's multitudinous varieties sorted out in different cases before it becomes binding statutes. biting fingers is seen as disgusting only after everyone agrees to it - and even then, you are still free to indulge in it if you can stand the constant nagging and ill-hygiene. exam grades are merely the simplest and most cost-effective way to stratify students by their performance - you are not being forced to mug. and of course, these 3 examples have a further option: if you feel these norms to be somewhat outdated or misconstrued, you are welcome to do your part in reviewing them. it takes a lot of effort to struggle against norms that seem unfair to the individual, which is why the abolition of slavery and the declaration of human rights are pretty recent history. if society is God, well, we could, with sufficient grit, move the hand of this God and write our own history or change people's lives permanently. the individual controls society, even though society has a lot of ability to influence the individual, simply because it's the individual that makes choices.

that's what i call taking more than one step in the journey. okay, it's a pretty long-drawn example, but basically the journey from doubt to Wisdom is a looonger one. i'm probably only making the second or third step myself...

the essence of doubt is not an end in itself - it requires tenacity and a desire for truth to complement it in order to achieve Wisdom.

*thanks to Joel Stanislaus for inspiring this.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

a Lent picture

the tree outside my window has decided to grow a huge bunch of new leaves. guess the same should apply for me now! thanks, all my angels who have been pruning me - check back for new shoots soon~

Monday, February 26, 2007

my greatest fear

i like to think of myself as quite fearless. sometimes with a little too much swagger and almost no inhibition.

when people would say they have nightmares of their loved ones passing, i would do a private snigger - not that i feel these people are wimpish or anything, but that this fear i'd already have gotten over. yes, it's almost inhuman: i'm quite ready to face the loss of any loved one... it's true, i might tear a little, considering how final that loss could be - but in the Lord's lovely name i'm ready to commit their souls into His faithful arms.

guess you could call that "dealing with" loss rather than fearlessness, but neither am i very bothered by the fact that i could die any second. true, i'd not have the luxury of a last-gasp confession, but really, i believe God already has that covered. i'm more or less quite ready to be judged, in a sense (although more time would be good, definitely!). it seems death doesn't stump me much eh?

what about losing a limb? or sight? or all my material comforts? well... at the most these inconveniences would take a couple of months to get used to. i'm actually quite resigned to the fact that i will definitely need a wheelchair in old age, and my eyes will definitely go before i die. not that i don't do anything to prevent these inevitabilities, but part of that preparation involves imagining life like that and beginning to get used to it in bits - now. even accidental castration doesn't really faze me. honest.

looking through typical lists of fears, we see some usual suspects: arthropods; LOTS of bugs in a claustrophobic setting, maybe? eating a cockroach is quite icky to me... but if given a fear factor challenge, i believe i can down a few buckets of the vermin i hate most (puking notwithstanding). heights (think walking the parapet on a 100 storey building) would give me lots of jitters; but i actually can't wait to go bungee jumping! how about getting lost? in a dark haunted mansion? whew... that would be quite scary i'm sure... but you know, i do wanna talk to spirits - they are instant proof of the existence of an afterlife. getting lost in a jungle might be more horrifying. being eaten by some animal must be excruciating pain! how about this... getting hanged, drawn, and quartered? how much pain can i take before i will accede to any request? there is an amount of courage involved in this... although it is more tempered against endurance rather than raw fear (fear of more pain is really a way of saying you can't endure more pain, right?), though i reckon the sight of an iron maiden or the pyramid chair would send very pronounced chills down my spine...

and still, those aren't my greatest fears. this is:

i'm most afraid that one day i would discover that everyone i know is really pretending to be nice to me. that i am sealed within an airtight seal of pretence with completely no means of telling if what i believe about anyone really has any truth to it. that somehow a well-conceived conspiracy to keep me in the dark about how people really feel about me had spontaneously spawned, so that what ever i know about anyone's opinion is really false knowledge. a conjuration of deception so elaborately conceived, a web of impenetrable lies so finely spun, that my social reality is completely non-contingent upon any of my intellect. i cannot understand anyone's real feelings; my skills of interpretation themselves were products of this falsification. i am completely powerless and vulnerable emotionally. my impressions of myself from others' words lie completely shattered and meaningless. my purpose a farcical concoction. my life... utterly baseless.

that is my greatest fear. it's like some conspiracy-phobia, but it remains distinctly possible in small amounts. every time i see some secret look, a nuanced expression, hinted at someone else but myself, about myself... the fear grips me. am i being analysed outside of my awareness? it's probably the worst aspect of my (non-DSM diagnosed) OCD - i'm not obsessed about what others think about me per se, just paranoid that the above-described complete shut-out could exist. what if mum really thinks i'm just wacko? what if my friends really think i'm just full of it? what if that stranger already knows how contrived i am but is pretending not to know me? what if they are all pretending to be who they are to me - and i have no way to tell?

hmm. maybe that isn't that scary after all - now that i've typed it all out. i think i may be able to face that with some courage... and God's presence.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

"enlightened" praying

just an observation i've been making for a while now.

we often pray in such a manner:
"Lord, send forth Your Holy Spirit!"
"Come, grace us with Your holy presence!"
"Be with us!"

... insinuating that either a) the Lord isn't with us, b) some sort of invocation is necessary, or c) that these words help remind us we are in His presence. the former two are actually quite absent-minded, to say the least, for Christ himself did say that He will always be with us, both at the Last Supper, before His Ascension, and physically manifest by the descent of the Holy Spirit. indeed, much of the spiritual theology discussed in the many letters after the gospels assures us of His continued spiritual presence with us.

maybe it really isn't that huge a consequence, but c) is, to me, a significant point in seeking personal holiness. the human condition is such that remaining crisply aware of our Christian-ness at all times is always a challenge - and central to this challenge is remembering God's presence in our lives. prayers with these so-called 'invocations', if rationalised to be words that remind ourselves of His nearness, do become erstwhile prayers.

the (lengthily protracted) distinction is that we need not ask/plead God to be with us as if He might not be so; but rather, such stylised pleas are really more like laments of our own human weakness in being unable to be mindful of His presence at all times. in a sense, praying for God's presence (as if He wasn't present before) is unnecessary, and may even reflect a little poorly on a Christian's faith; but praying that His presence may be made more palpable, or that we may be more sensitive/worthy of His presence - that is an earnest Christian prayer.

another "problem" with some prayers are the almost senselessly self-centred petitions. these are multitudinous and may be more common than realised: for example, praying for grades, health, that a loved one may recover, weather, traffic, being on time, etc. all these little things which bother us in life, but we know God is Lord over - why not ask Him for a little supernatural assistance?

well, firstly, such an attitude attempts to place God "in our service". even petitions generally supposed to be good such as praying for peace, happiness, good fortune, etc, could have a deeper selfish perspective wherein we are really hoping that God would simply make things better for us. the importance of acknowledging this negative attitude lies in the fact that investing our faith in God's "dependability" on resolving such matters could have the reverse effect: how many Christians have turned away after seeing God fail to answer their pleas? this method of praying also tends to obscure the individual's personal role in such matters - praying for peace could dilute your own role in working towards it. if you feel called to petition for some general goodness, never forget to pray that God may reveal His plan for you in that mission. chances are, noticing a certain petition could predispose you to being a key figure in bringing that petition to fruition!

secondly, we could look at the proto-prayer: the Lord's prayer. while Jesus spends the first 3 lines glorifying the Father's name (to remind us who's serving who, nonetheless!) He simply uses "give us today our daily bread" to summarise all our various particular petitions. the only 2 specifically-mentioned petitions then follow: "forgive us our sins", and "deliver us from evil". at the end (yes, we often forget these last 2 lines), Jesus goes full circle and praises the Lord again: "for the kingdom, the power, and the glory are Yours, now and forever", which doubtlessly also reminds the person who prays to be humble before the Lord and accept that "not my will but Yours be done".

so Christ's example, thru this extrapolation, indicates the right focus for our prayers: to pray for the Father's mercy and deliverance. as His children, we definitely ought to share with Him our daily problems as well, talking thru with Him matters which matter to us and bring us anxiety. however, this discussion, if it degenerates into a "child asking for prize" session, would greatly lose the dimension of two-way communication. when petitioning for something close to your hearts, do not fail to listen for His reply! prayer would be so much more enjoyable if it wasn't merely mouthing wishes into the air, you know. being open to His will and seeking clarity and discernment are much more fruitful and mature forms of prayer, don't you think?

besides, if He looks after the sparrows and the flowers, He is definitely looking after those needs of yours too. if it does not seem like He is, fear not! you don't have to suspect that God is abandoning you... but do listen and discern if this gift of pain is to toughen you up or to bring you in line with a greater plan of His. and be resilient: prayers for discernment often take much more time if you're not used to it.

know that the Lord is with you at all times, and He hears what you ask. now, all you need to do is listen and seek His will.

Friday, January 19, 2007

GAW

g: Lord?
G: ya?
g: why did you make evil?
G: did i?
g: you don't know?
G: you think?
g: you can't not know... you're omniscient right?
G: maybe?
g: what do you mean maybe? you're supposed to be three omnis: omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent!
G: sounds like it?
g: sounds like?? geez... has being God gone to your head?! there's got to be some law against such frivolously imprecise answers!
G: i could say the same for you... but first, let me flick your forehead for using Jesus' name in vain first. [a Godly finger twangs g's forehead with a mighty boom.]
g: OWW! now that's just childish!! when did i even say Jesus!
G: the "geez" which you so imprecisely used as cover-up for some other swear word - that's what a minced oath is - and that's against the second law...
g: rrright... and i was punished for something that merely sounded like Jesus...
G: ...and back to that "sounds like" part. do you have any idea what omnipotence is?
g: well, it's like you could do anything? no restrictions? like a genie?
G: hmm... which is why i only said "sounds like" it.
g: you mean there are restrictions even for you? i mean, i can get it that you're not like a genie...
G: haha... even the word "restrictions", understood here in this context, specifically - precisely - using the human intellect, would not completely capture my situation.
g: ah... the ol' "creatures won't understand me" escape route eh?
G: and to where can i run? every i go, i am there!
g: [pause] that's almost like a joke.
G: except that it's true too. dear, i know how hard it is for you to understand me. i don't wish to impose either, but in order to have any meaningful relationship, there must be something we can hold on common ground.
g: which is why we keep trying to understand you... the nature of God... theology...
G: that's all very heartening! i'm very proud of you for having come this far. but you see, just as you might never ever truly understand your future wife's nature, so could you still focus on what's important.
g: okay, i'm listening...
G: love me.
g: [longer pause] Lord, you know i do...
G: then...
g: feed your sheep...?
G: spot on.
g: i am trying... really hard, dear Lord.
G: and that is why there will always be some evil.
g: huh? you mean i actually got hold of a hint? i mean, i knew you wouldn't forget my initial question... but i didn't expect that... where's the link...
G: doubt.
g: ah... it's Mr. D again.
G: yup. it's the killer of all relationships. you can't truly love if you can't fully trust.
g: so because i'm only "trying real hard" instead of "be it done unto me according to thy will"...
G: yes, my child.
g: then so be it. i am your handmaid. just as Mary wasn't sure when she said 'yes', so will i not dwell on my doubts today.
G: then today, there will be no evil about you.
g: praise be to God!
G: aw, you're too kind.
g: not half as kind as you!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

some growth and some retardation

when u march forward in some area of your life, something somewhere will begin to swell, and once it swells, your view gets obscured. for every step one gamely marches forward in pride-induced blindness, one must tumble two steps backwards in the most humiliating fashion.

the rush of adrenaline from CAW is proving to be double-edged. am i zealously marching for God's glory or am i seeking my own pedestal? must what i consider good ideas in my head necessarily be broadcast? must what i detect to be oversights demand an audience with the overseers? when i exercise my gift of judgement, am i also committing the sin of judgementalism?

four words. patience, humility, appreciation, gentleness. let me indulge in this self-reminder for a moment: the thinnest of lines can be swayed towards the white simply by adhering to these four words, no? even in a fast-paced environment, how can being Christ-like not lead to doing the right thing?

and thus i look to slow my pace. patience requires objectivity in managing time.
and thus i look to quieten myself. humility requires solace in solitude.
and thus i look to decrease critique. appreciation requires pure positivity.
and thus i look to be understanding. gentleness requires sensitive chivalry.

obedience and tenacity, where art thou? if only my person could possess you two strangers by serendipidity, who could resist calling me blessed! o furtive Spirit, pray thee fly no more... but land upon my soul and clench Thy fiery talons deep into my heart - bleed me dry if need be! grant me the supernatural will to tenaciously obey my King - and so let my person be consumed with pure love of Thee.

my partner's right. the same excuse cannot apply more than once, since it then requires an excuse for using that excuse again - a recursive nightmare! it's time to straighten up once again. the new goal: all growth and no more retardation.

extra: firm apologies for all the nonsense spouted thus far. please feel free to calumniate me for them: i have prayed for the grace to desire that retribution.

Tuesday, January 09, 2007

fighting him

i shouldn't be blogging... it's 1.30am and i'm supposed to wake up at 7am uh... today.

but i just wanna apologise for the lack of posts... been really busy with CSS work. yes, i'm working my arse off for the Almighty, even though i still have so many grouses for Him. heh. don't worry, it's not hypocritical; i just kinda disagree with Him sometimes (or He hasn't changed my mind yet).

more importantly, i implore you who have less of a doubt problem than i do to truly keep me in your prayers, along with my CSS compatriots. i can sense that we are attempting huge plans this sem, and somehow the temptation to slacken is growing. it may be his attempts to slow us, it may simply be that i'm not as strong as i believed. either way, i could use some prayers, whereupon Mr God can prove He listens =) sounds like a good deal to me...

oh, and thanks for watching over me. i don't like admitting it, but yea, i've felt Your presence. along with his. you watch my back while i fight him.