GAW

g: Lord?
G: ya?
g: why did you make evil?
G: did i?
g: you don't know?
G: you think?
g: you can't not know... you're omniscient right?
G: maybe?
g: what do you mean maybe? you're supposed to be three omnis: omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent!
G: sounds like it?
g: sounds like?? geez... has being God gone to your head?! there's got to be some law against such frivolously imprecise answers!
G: i could say the same for you... but first, let me flick your forehead for using Jesus' name in vain first. [a Godly finger twangs g's forehead with a mighty boom.]
g: OWW! now that's just childish!! when did i even say Jesus!
G: the "geez" which you so imprecisely used as cover-up for some other swear word - that's what a minced oath is - and that's against the second law...
g: rrright... and i was punished for something that merely sounded like Jesus...
G: ...and back to that "sounds like" part. do you have any idea what omnipotence is?
g: well, it's like you could do anything? no restrictions? like a genie?
G: hmm... which is why i only said "sounds like" it.
g: you mean there are restrictions even for you? i mean, i can get it that you're not like a genie...
G: haha... even the word "restrictions", understood here in this context, specifically - precisely - using the human intellect, would not completely capture my situation.
g: ah... the ol' "creatures won't understand me" escape route eh?
G: and to where can i run? every i go, i am there!
g: [pause] that's almost like a joke.
G: except that it's true too. dear, i know how hard it is for you to understand me. i don't wish to impose either, but in order to have any meaningful relationship, there must be something we can hold on common ground.
g: which is why we keep trying to understand you... the nature of God... theology...
G: that's all very heartening! i'm very proud of you for having come this far. but you see, just as you might never ever truly understand your future wife's nature, so could you still focus on what's important.
g: okay, i'm listening...
G: love me.
g: [longer pause] Lord, you know i do...
G: then...
g: feed your sheep...?
G: spot on.
g: i am trying... really hard, dear Lord.
G: and that is why there will always be some evil.
g: huh? you mean i actually got hold of a hint? i mean, i knew you wouldn't forget my initial question... but i didn't expect that... where's the link...
G: doubt.
g: ah... it's Mr. D again.
G: yup. it's the killer of all relationships. you can't truly love if you can't fully trust.
g: so because i'm only "trying real hard" instead of "be it done unto me according to thy will"...
G: yes, my child.
g: then so be it. i am your handmaid. just as Mary wasn't sure when she said 'yes', so will i not dwell on my doubts today.
G: then today, there will be no evil about you.
g: praise be to God!
G: aw, you're too kind.
g: not half as kind as you!

some growth and some retardation

when u march forward in some area of your life, something somewhere will begin to swell, and once it swells, your view gets obscured. for every step one gamely marches forward in pride-induced blindness, one must tumble two steps backwards in the most humiliating fashion.

the rush of adrenaline from CAW is proving to be double-edged. am i zealously marching for God's glory or am i seeking my own pedestal? must what i consider good ideas in my head necessarily be broadcast? must what i detect to be oversights demand an audience with the overseers? when i exercise my gift of judgement, am i also committing the sin of judgementalism?

four words. patience, humility, appreciation, gentleness. let me indulge in this self-reminder for a moment: the thinnest of lines can be swayed towards the white simply by adhering to these four words, no? even in a fast-paced environment, how can being Christ-like not lead to doing the right thing?

and thus i look to slow my pace. patience requires objectivity in managing time.
and thus i look to quieten myself. humility requires solace in solitude.
and thus i look to decrease critique. appreciation requires pure positivity.
and thus i look to be understanding. gentleness requires sensitive chivalry.

obedience and tenacity, where art thou? if only my person could possess you two strangers by serendipidity, who could resist calling me blessed! o furtive Spirit, pray thee fly no more... but land upon my soul and clench Thy fiery talons deep into my heart - bleed me dry if need be! grant me the supernatural will to tenaciously obey my King - and so let my person be consumed with pure love of Thee.

my partner's right. the same excuse cannot apply more than once, since it then requires an excuse for using that excuse again - a recursive nightmare! it's time to straighten up once again. the new goal: all growth and no more retardation.

extra: firm apologies for all the nonsense spouted thus far. please feel free to calumniate me for them: i have prayed for the grace to desire that retribution.

fighting him

i shouldn't be blogging... it's 1.30am and i'm supposed to wake up at 7am uh... today.

but i just wanna apologise for the lack of posts... been really busy with CSS work. yes, i'm working my arse off for the Almighty, even though i still have so many grouses for Him. heh. don't worry, it's not hypocritical; i just kinda disagree with Him sometimes (or He hasn't changed my mind yet).

more importantly, i implore you who have less of a doubt problem than i do to truly keep me in your prayers, along with my CSS compatriots. i can sense that we are attempting huge plans this sem, and somehow the temptation to slacken is growing. it may be his attempts to slow us, it may simply be that i'm not as strong as i believed. either way, i could use some prayers, whereupon Mr God can prove He listens =) sounds like a good deal to me...

oh, and thanks for watching over me. i don't like admitting it, but yea, i've felt Your presence. along with his. you watch my back while i fight him.