a progress update (with not much progress)

the holidays began on 6th May - and it's been 80 days since. i've managed to scrape myself through an orientation camp, a couple of retreats, and some exco stuff. other than that, i've also managed to NOT start my driving lessons, read up for my thesis, get a job for money, arrange get-togethers for at least 3 groups of old friends, catch up with my own family (how about that), pack up my room, work on the bad habits, communicate more with God, and... i should stop lambasting myself.

the hols thus far have really been great. many, MANY moments to be thankful for. and i can really live with all my shortcomings so far - sorry to my friends and family who have to live with them too - all except one.

i need to love.

once again, i find myself atop that breathtaking precipice. a great panoramic view of the Garden God has created surrounds me and fills my being - i brim with pride and joy. the boundless blue sky daintily pettered with shades of cloud alluring beyond human imagination. the rugged beauty of a jagged landscape replete with forest, mountain, river, and plain - all unspoiled. the warm sunshine... the clear air... the uplifting breeze... all will remain as it is - cold perfection which humanity can only wonder about in complete amazement - unless i make a choice. i could despoil it: like my brethren, or i could fulfil it: by embracing it as i was created to do so. i know fully well which way i would like to go and how appropriate it would be.

and yet. i am stuck. a sore thumb ill-worthy of the God-given title: beloved. the serenity around me is all at once frozen - expectant. all it takes is a choice... to take one step forward... an exhilirating plunge into reality... a little leap of faith... but i am frozen in fear. uncertainty. doubt. self-lambasting.

i need to love - and i need to start with myself.

an amorous affirmation

g: Lord?
G: yes, son?
g: my God, do you love me?
G: of course, My dear - without a doubt.
g: as in like, really really?
G: yes, My precious - really really.
g: forever and ever?
G: until the end of time.
g: um... Father?
G: I'm still listening.
g: Dad... I love you too.
G: I know! even before I made you. I knew.

the time is now to fulfil each vow for i may never pass this way again

Remember, too, that "they who are ever taking aim, make no hits; that they who never venture, never gain; that to be safe is to be ever feeble; and that to do some substantial good is compensation for much incidental imperfection."

-Ven. John Henry Cardinal Newman

this quote is the near-miraculous answer to my recent argument with my dearest marc (bless your soul) about "when to act" - it is NOW. where did i come across the quote? well... today i read for 7.30am mass and between 8.30am and my lectors' meeting at 1pm, i attended stachoir's practice (which was extremely uplifting btw) and legion AF's meeting (boy i miss jr legion mtgs) and the quote is from the Legion handbook, under Chapter 32 "Objections which may be anticipated", Point 11 "Obstacles in the way of starting, there will always be". if you can get a hold of any Legion handbook, look for that chapter and read it - you will then be (more) ready to serve in any vocation.

or get it from the handbook of Life itself!

today's Gospel (13th ordinary sunday)
"Once the hand is laid on the plough, no one who looks back is fit for the kingdom of God."
Luke 9:62, Jerusalem Bible*

next sunday's (14th ordinary)
"Start off now, but remember, I am sending you out like lambs among wolves."
Luke 10:3, JB

and for the lucky ones who still remember our CAW Rally...

i'm good at being sardonic with these words: are your hearts still on fire? do you remember when the time was now? but let's not be harsh la... until we finally meet our maker, he has given us all the time we need to find out what his teachings truly mean. and believe him: the truth will set you free (John 8:32).

*in case you didn't know, our missal uses the Jerusalem Bible, which includes J.R.R. Tolkien as one of its co-editors. so far i haven't been able to find an online version of the JB, but Universalis.com quotes from it for mass readings. the full New Jerusalem Bible (NJB) tho, is available online at Knights of Colombus - just that they protect the html so it's a bit difficult to copy n paste from there (you have to view source and search from there). yes, i'm a lector alright.