Thursday, June 17, 2010

sashiburidane

it has been a while... do i still care about sharing my thoughts? that is, the possible unidirectionality of this endeavour notwithstanding...

i have found myself lost - in my own sea of seemingly pointless thoughts, no less - on one too many occasions. having attained a state of self-debate where the self disappears into the debate, where the truth melts into infinite relative specificities, where existence and despair shake hands and make friends... i think it is time to give thinking a rest.

but what is resting? "taking a break from it all" carries such a nasty connotation. yet both are equally akin to "escape": a will-breaking hiatus which serves to deny everything that is existence - truth and doubt alike. a free-floating phase of nonchalance, utterly despondent to the flow of reality passing by; yet simultaneously dependent on that busy frenzy so as to identify itself.

i am not busy doing; but i am not busy being either. what does that make me? a contemplator of sorts? i should be too humble. the placid observer? a self-contradiction: cue the observer effect and schrodinger's cat. it is all too simple, and perhaps a little shocking - i am impaired.

my apparent break from what goes by the alias "life" was nothing short of an obtuse deflection of responsibility. it is heavy, and i am not ready - both statements of facts eternal. there was no way around it except a form of ludicrous stasis; schemingly staged to present itself as a distraught distracted disengagement. therein this hibernal farce, the mind goes into negative overdrive, seeking pleasure by escaping it; a form of masochistic torture. what truly did happen... only the insane could empathise.

nonetheless, in exiting this quasi-possession, the seat of self finds itself unaccustomed. was this what it was like to be in control? to make crucially thought-out decisions? to default on turning away and seize the day? i presume to know... but like all who are caught in life with their pants down, who knows? God knows! it is certainly time to embrace uncertainty as the crux of bearing life's crosses. make no mistake: i will be making fine mistakes.

at yet another precipice overlooking the horizon of possibilities, i stand, cowered, in awe... but this time, unassuming. do i dare say i have found myself? nope... but this time, i care.